i would think…

 

i would think my recently upped dosage of anti-depressants would have kicked in by now, but no, they havent.  im beginning to think my mom’s suggestion of seeking a valium prescription was not just in jest.

i am incredibly sad tonight and really i shouldnt be.  i should have recognized the situation i allowed to manifest.  who was i kidding when i thought there was an actual future to it?  only myself.

the easiest way for me to get over this is to just pretend it never happened.  pretend that someone didnt care to hear how my day was going to go, how it went and to say good night.  

even if that’s all it was.  i LET myself think it could be more.  how silly am i? 

like someone is going to change their entire life to be with me?  doubtful.  

i think more than anything that im mad at myself for thinking there was some unspoken agreement that he was going to be my boyfriend.

 

often i will think on an experience for quite a few days and then i watch or read a story line that sums up everything succinctly.

serendipitous, yes.

stumbling upon something that perfectly describes or portrays a mish mash of my feelings so easily, so plainly.

my love life has  felt so secret. but not always.

to love and feel and experience my whatevers freely, just stopped happening years ago.

im not sure where it went from holding hands in public to meeting up stealthily.

the past few days ive been flooded with scenarios playing over and over in my head.

one of the major ones that plays over and over is:

kisses and falling asleep with the receivers pressed to our ears for weeks and then him cheek to cheek slow dancing barely giving me a second look at a party he should have taken me to and then calling me the next morning like nothing was amiss.

i can still feel the sharp knife like frustration in my gut.  the incredible amount i drank to keep a smile on my face.  the ridiculous hangover the next morning. and the embarrassment of  me acting like i was okay with everything when i wasnt.

it seems to be the norm for quite a few of my relationships during my mid to late 20s.  secret.

even to this day.

if i wasnt so removed from the rest of the world, tucked away in the middle of nowhere.  it wouldnt be.

 

maybe this says something about the kind of woman i am.

or better yet the kind of woman i allow others to treat me as.

i have always envied those who publicly proclaim their lust/love for each other.

being left with sweet nothings in the dark and nothing in the light plays itself out over and over.

 

 

is there a moment when you realize you may just be falling into something more than just like?

seeing the sunshine hit his face and light up his profile as i picked him up made a piece of my hardness melt.

hearing him tell my daughter that he infact liked her too when she said “I like you!”

fixing the drain in my bathtub nonchalantly.

snuggling and an arm around me while watching corny action movies, rubbing my back gently.

holding my hand.

clearing his plate and rinsing it before i had the chance to grab it from him.

cuddling me.  holding me in his arms.

the way he takes control without being rough.

how his hands touch me, run through my hair, how his forcefulness is still gentle.

conversation is easy and laughter is quick

 

when it’s time for him to go, i just want to hold him for a little while longer…

to blurt out all these half formed thoughts i have running through my head.

how i wish it was easier and how he crosses my mind and i smile.

how happy his visits make me.

how much he means to me.  but it just seems so silly to say to someone after only being in their life for almost four months.

so i dont.

i speak in maybe we will see each other quicker.

next time we can…

kissing him goodbye til next time

i hope he sees how i feel.

chapters

i know that everyone has their own hidden stories and secrets they keep locked up in them.  shared only by those that were involved in that time and place.

when i started this blog, i had meant it to be a way for me to get all those stories out.  to release all of the bad (and some good) energies, thoughts, etc that i had been carrying for 26 years.

less than a week later, i found out i was pregnant and well, my focus shifted.

today, while driving around running errands, i let a lot of memories come back and play in my head.  good memories, not really but memories that i can look at in a different perspective than i could have even 4 years ago and definitely a more distant viewpoint that doesnt carry quite so much pain with them.

i think i am ready to begin.

my chapters wont play out in chronological order, maybe someday, but for now i will let them come as they do and replay them.

enjoy.

ever wake up and just want to scream?

no particular reason behind anything.

in fact, it’s probably really a good day.  you just want to let the fuck loose and scream until you lose your voice?  or maybe im just the only one?

i got to sleep til almost 9am.  my baby snuggled up next to me and didnt demand more than snuggling til ten am. then she dressed herself…in a crazy outfit but whatever that’s the norm for us.  crazy outfits chosen by an almost three year old and me going okay, you really want to wear my fuzzy socks with a tutu and supergirl shirt? okay.  I GUESS IT BEATS FOOTIE JAMMIES!!!

i got to do two of my besties hair in amazing colors and cuts that both turned out great.

my hair was done….yeah, hot pink, pearly dark blonde and black!

my kid screamed most of the day…

she’s been talking all kinds of baby gibberish lately.  im not sure where it’s coming from but it pisses me off.  i cant be the only parent who wants to smack their child with the rubber end of a chuck taylor.  i know this much.

other parts of me just feel ugh.   like i expect too much out of things that really arent.

my mind plays out it’s own scenarios and i dont like it.

i dont clarify things and never have and it always comes back to bite my own “feelings” in the ass.

yep.  dumbass me.  and my feelings.

 

i remember a point in life where these things didnt even exist.

back before “therapy” and “working on my issues” even were thought of.

maybe ignorance IS bliss.

or maybe i hurt myself for so long, nothing even matters anymore.

i play back things that happened years ago that no man would ever want to hear the woman they are spending time with now did.  and though i may not be that same young, stupid girl anymore i still feel shame and wouldnt really blame him for not wanting to be with me.  i mean, unless it was secret.  and then, really, it just perpetuates my whole entire shame cycle.

the “i’m not good enoughs” echo in my head.  okay, maybe more like screech owls, a shrill voice pierces my entire body and reminds me who i was, what i did, and well you’ll never outrun it, ever.

 

maybe it’s just a full moon and im drunk and need to go to sleep.

 

ru tatted on his chest

at the almost the tail end of my “extra” days i finally crossed paths with a man i should have met years earlier.

for the sake of anonymity we will just call him ru.

the first time i noticed him, and the fifty leventh time he noticed me but talked to me. (apparently he thought i swang for the opposite team and was just extra girly) i made him come get me from my house in the hood.

he pulled up in a lexus. i walked out at 5am. hoes on the corner. crack house in full effect across the street. and him just cracking up that my extra white ass lived in the middle of the hood. the real hood and wasnt joking when i said yeah, come get me.

but my ass is going to have a few drinks and pass out.

years later, that still makes us both laugh.

because that’s what happened.

at the time i started rehab, he may have been one of the few people that understood.  he’d been blurped and was going to diversion classes.  he saw me at some pretty ugly moments and a few times even rescued me from strange situations.

even gave me money to get away from a situation, but i never felt completely right because i snorted his money up my nose.  somehow, i think he knew thats what was going to happen.

he’s in prison now.  ive wrote him a few times and honestly, im not sure what i can say positive anymore… at one point i thought i wanted that “thug it out bitch” life but i dont know i dont want to pay for your phone calls to my phone.

yes, a gangsta can be a gentleman but really do i want that in my life?

i have not wrote him since april.  im not sure what more to say to him than shit just really wouldnt work with us…like unless when you get out you want to get a job, a real job and go past affiliations.

christmas eve tears

the last time i laid next to a man on christmas eve and fell asleep with the intentions of waking up together on Christmas morning,  i was 18.

i am now 30.

i laid in my tub today, almost two weeks after i tried to hide my teary incident from him, and tried to put together the things that made me cry.  because crying isnt a normal thing for me.  once or twice a year yes, but laying in bed next to someone, no.

ive pieced together some of what i was feeling:

my friend has been married with children, i have been alone with a child.  i do not know what it is like to be active in a child’s life and have that taken from me.  i was feeling sadness for his loss, especially because i knew it was eating at him.

my brother had his daughter for the first christmas he has ever spent with her, and she is almost 5.  my brother is a good father, he has never batted an eye at being financially there for his daughter.

my friend met all of my family for the first time.  no man has given that much of a damn in EVER.

matter of fact, no man has ever willingly gone out of his way to visit me at any time of the year, ESPECIALLY a major holiday.

and then i knew he had to leave Christmas morning and it would be a while before I would see him again.

maybe, im just too attached.  he cant possibly be that interested in me.

my daughter screaming for me when i left her at my grandma’s house. serious waterworks and all.

a little too much to drink, not enough sleep the night before.

christmas stress.

all this circling around in my head and me not making any sense of it.

i cry.

he wakes up and asks whats wrong and why i am crying.  all i can say is “i dont know”

i KNOW this makes me sound like im a blubbering idiot.  but I cant explain everything Im feeling without crying EVEN more.

step forward almost two weeks in my bath today…

I have never had a “real” adult “relationship/interaction” with a man.

I have never been married, nor do I see it anytime in my future and I wonder if some part of me is defective or broken.  I see the updates on facebook of people i graduated from school with that go from single to in a relationship to engaged to married.  i am sometimes silently jealous.

It seems like I must have pissed off the fate gods because my romance/love/relationship ticker has always read “he only comes over when he wants some ass.”

But really, I did it to myself.  I sabotaged any chance of receiving more than easy and casual relationships by carrying myself that way.  by only interacting with men who wanted ease.

until now.  and maybe im wrong.  maybe i am just easy.  im nothing more than right now.  a few months into something i dont expect declarations of love and lifelong plans because if that was happening i would RUN full speed in the opposite direction.

so yes, i cried.  my distraught appearance was really just absolute confusion of conflicting happy and sad emotions duking it out in my brain.

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