i seriously think i was born crazy. the kind of crazy that doesnt have me trying to bite my ears off or anything but just nuts. or maybe born into craziness is more like it.
my mom had me at 18, fresh out of highschool and though her and my sperm donor were married, it wasnt happy.
i dont have any good memories of him. he and my mom fought constantly and it always seemed that it was my toys that took the rage he had. i had this lil piano that got smashed one night. i remember he put it in a box and told me he would put it back together for me. what the fuck? how you gonna put back together a smashed up piano? this i think is a great comparison for my life. im a fucking smashed up piano.
there was nothing but unhappiness, i dont remember anything good of him. my brother was born right before i turned two, and my stayed with him until i was five.
i remember new stereos and top of the line tvs coming in and out of the house. my moms car was constantly broke into in our los angeles apartment but the police were never called. he was faking a car break in to get that insurance money to buy more drugs. (lol and people wonder where my tendencies come from)
the last time i saw my dad he was in some jail at the age of five, visiting my ex out at the branch reminded me of it. i have no desire what-so-ever to see him again in my life.
we moved from so cal to live with my grandparents. where my mom fell into another shitty relationship with an older cat who pretended he had lots of money. he was emotionally abusive. did not like the fact that my mom had kids so he shoved us in our rooms and made sure that my grandparents had us for most of the time.
i hated my mom during this time. i would be completley peaceful at my grandmas house and then she would come to get us and i would just fall apart.
who knows how to express the anger and hurt you feel at six other than kicking, screaming and biting?
the fucked up and good thing i always had going for me is i was ridiculously smart and intuitive. i just got things. i learned to read at about age four. i skipped first grade and was supposed to skip second as well because i was that advanced. i never really felt the same as the other kids. make believe games werent really that fun for me. instead i would be found reading a book or painting or writing novels.
i never really felt that i fit in anywhere.
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i love your recollections and the insight you infuse them with. gotta thank tofu for introducing us…you are on my blogroll now ma, so keep it up!
yay! as soon as i figure this sight out i will be adding links to my page as well.