i know i took those two tests last week and they were positive and i knew then that i really was.
but i took four more and the point has really sunk in my head now.
and im happy i mean new life, i get to have a baby, that deep down i have really wanted for the last six years. but im really fucking sad and angry about it too.
my child is child number six to a father that doesnt work, has never had a job and is one strike away from spending a great deal of time in prison. child number six jesus christ he had a starting lineup for a basketball team already, my child is just waiting on the bench til its old enough to play. fuck.
i feel like such a fucking loser. for real.
i went into a pregnancy care center today and you know how stupid i feel at twenty six years old with no job, no insurance, nothing and needing help?
knowing im going to be on assistance for quite some years ahead of me.
but i know it needs to be done, i know i have to use every available resource that i can because even though i may hate myself i cant hate my unborn child.
i have let him know that i am pregnant and his response is that id better hurry up and get my ass back to sac. uh, fuck that noise. i asked him what his thoughts were on my keeping or not keeping the child and he said if i thought i was going to “run the show” he didnt really give a fuck what i did. he wants complete control over me. im not a fucking possession. me having his child doesnt even make the child his possession. to own something you have to pay for it. you have to earn your rights to reap the benefits and he aint ever put in that much work in his life.
you know what though im running the god damned show. and the child will have his last name, but watch out for them papers from child support. thats the way i know how to run things.
and now im fucking angry and going to spout off more than i should. so i will end it here.
hello emotional roller coaster.
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Cee, its going to be more then a roller coaster. But you got good folks around you to give that shoulder.
#1 thing I regretted with Jordan… not including my last name on his birth certificate. His crack head of a “sperm shooter” hasn’t seen or supported him in years. And considering how much you have to go through and PAY to have a last name changed… it eats at me everyday.
Get started on those papers NOW. I lagged a little and it felt like years for it to kick in. Now, the bitchface I have for a “baby daddy” up and quit his good ass paying UNION job the minute the court order kicked in. And I think that he is now using his dads SSN to work… (he is a Junior..actually a 3rd) so thats 2 other men with the exact same name whose SSN he can use.
I dont want to compare our situations..or even scare you into thinking anything… I just want you to DO FOR YOU… You cant do much for the baby (besides staying healthy) right now.. but set your self up for when the baby comes. So that way all you really have to do is focus on the baby and yourself. You dont want to be stressed out over things that arent in your control… ie HIM. keep your baby and yourself in mind and only move FORWARD. It took me almost a year to get that straight…
I wouldnt change the time alone I had with Jordan… It was actually a little easier to NOT have his ass around…. Cheaper!!
Emotional roller coaster is right girl but stay strong and stay focused.
I hope your support system is right behind you supporting you all the way.
I’m here via internet and DM on twitter ;o)
Congrats!
your blog is so trill. im diggin it, for real girl.
miss you.
haven’t checked in in a while so i’m getting caught up. keep keeping it honest and real and use your own words to answer the questions that trouble you. you are strong and have survived much.