one year later

i probably wont remember march 12th for the rest of my life…but i might.

i’d just gotten back in sac from being at my grandma’s with my mom helping my grandma deal with my grandpa’s passing.  my mom had actually said something about me going back to sac and her staying with my grandma for a few weeks and me helping my dad out around the house and taking care of lil brother. had that happened i guess march 12th never would have either.

and like those ‘choose your own adventure books’ so would the subsequent shit that happened happen.

he entered my life. he was charming. he was off-limits. he had a coke connect. he had a big dick. and he could fuck.

we were together everyday after that. (except the few weekends he ran off and left me high and dry) til i left his ass.

i feel like he and i were together for a very long time. but i guess when you deal with being homeless, dealing drugs, a jail term and drama everyfucking day LIFE SEEMS LONG and never ending.

i love my daughter so much. and im reminded of what a fucked up life i had before her everytime i look at her.

i think sometimes all the screaming and crying and the pain that i went thru during pregnancy and labor was my karmic payback for some of the really fucked up shit i did to people.

today a year ago, probably around this time, i was doing dirt. i chose the “how can i fuck things up more than they are” path, fucked things up. made quite a few enemies but found myself coming out better in the end.

im outta sacramento and wont ever be back except to visit. two middle fingers to a lot of dumb fucks in that town and if i had more hands id throw up more.

to the  bitch that still runs their mouth: you may think you’re flying high but what you dont realize is that you aint got wings and that free-fall feels the same as flying. you aint shit. get over me quit trying to run it about me and get clowned on more than you “try” to clown on me. or better yet come see me with that shit so i can laugh at you in person.

in less than three months i will have a YEAR clean of the nasty bitch coke. the drug that fucked my life up i have been away from and im so happy.  i still think about it. yeah. i dont think about it like i used to think about it.

people believe that god guides everything that happens in life and i have a hard time grasping that. i used to believe in god at one point in my life but now i know there is something more than me, i just feel i gave up my soul for a while and it hasnt fully been returned to me. like i gotta work extra hard or some shit.

im having a hard time with this “talk to baby” “sing to baby” “read to baby” shit. i dont infantalize things very well. i dont even talk to animals in a nice voice. i talk to kids like little adults and i cant sing songs i know to baby i just feel awkward. maybe it’s something moms go thru.

i am also realizing being a single mom is ROUGH. i get very little sleep and not a whole lot of breaks. though i am reaching out to the few people i know around me that can help me out. i cant take screaming all night long two weeks in a row. the baby doesnt make me mad, the lack of fucking sleep makes me mad. combine that with forgetting to eat and dealing with my grandma and im NUTS.

i am working on ways to release my anger and the gym has been a big help. something about riding on a bike and walk/running on the treadmill and then doing circuit training puts me in a much better mood. i go into the gym pissy and leave with a clearer mind and feeling like ahhhh.

im looking forward to spring and it not raining so damn much.

and that’s about all for now because im hungry and my lil frogger is going to wake up soon

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