hoes and housewives

before  i made the transition from a pale blonde flat chested, gapped toothed cute little girl into a young woman my sexuality was already compromised in a way that shaped it and still  shapes it today.

i hadn’t ever really thought about it. it’s one of those things that you dont know is wrong at a young age but you know you arent supposed to tell anyone about it either because no one is supposed to touch you or make you touch them on the bathing suit spots or see them except your mommy or the doctor.

the world of the internet is great for the reminders of what happened to come back and haunt you. albeit naked photos or videos or the person who assaulted you when you were between the ages of 7 and 10. it’s sick that this person comes back around and you feel those scared thoughts you used to when he would trap you in a room and make your hand touch him in his much older teenaged developed places and how sick it used to make you feel when they would snatch you into the bushes and rub their hands across your barely formed mosquito bite titties. it’s enough to make you mad when all they say is you were so cute then and all i remember is your blonde hair and cute little face, youre still cute now want to hang out? here’s my number.

and that sickening feeling hits you like a semi truck would a brick wall.

you dont respond because the only thing you feel is that feeling you felt when you were seven and confused and scared.

“so i guess you dont want to hang out. i’m a big boy i can handle the truth.”

you still dont respond because you realize this individual doesnt realize that you want to hurt him for the feelings you felt then and for the realization that what he did was VERY VERY wrong. and when you said no, it wasnt a silly game that two teens can play that yes means no. you were a young girl who had no fucking clue what much beyond playing with dolls and dress up was.

i know i am going in and out of you and i but all this is me. and just realizing this shit in the past few days is kind of scary. that i can repress shit like this for 20 years makes me sad. i know now why i might have acted out in the ways i have and why losing my virginity at the age of twelve really wasnt that big of a deal. i mean…maybe.

and all this has happened in the same week that i met someone and went out with them and this guy seems genuinely nice. but his wanting to know more about my child have me shook. and i shouldnt be because the guy just wants to know about her and is interested in my life. but here i am fearing every man who will come into contact with my beautiful daughter because i dont want to give up her naivete and innocence because of what some sick fuck did to me.

and i cant just keep my daughter all to myself and play me and baby isolated against the world because that’s even less healthy.

im sad at finding this piece of me that i lost twenty years ago. im sad that i couldnt find it when it happened and stop it then.  i was scared of upsetting things of losing the friend who’s brother it was. of feeling shame that wasnt mine to feel in the first place but has led me to devalue my own sexual self and degrade myself continually.

the man i thought i loved and wanted to be with for quite sometime told me flat out that he wouldnt ever be my man because i ‘knew’ too many people. basically cee you a hoe and i cant claim you as anything more than a hoe that im cool with and fuck on but secretly i tell you i love you and outwardly i show you how much i do care.

now, his loss for not taking me as i was. and fuck anyone who thinks that a hoe cant turn into a housewife because somewhere that hoe is just a little girl trying to make sense of things and claw and fuck herself out of shame and pain.

maybe this is a major step in my focusing on me. i have touched on a lot of things mentally that hurt over the past year and im finally in the right place to really start healing this scared little girl.

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