ayden’s father/amari’s father

being around younger women/girls day to day at school im around a lot of mothers. mothers with “baby daddy” drama.

no support checks, no visits from daddy, if they are around they aint worth shit.

i really have to say that i’m happy the “men” i got pregnant by were not and are not in the picture at all.

i am lucky to not have a man that is unreliable. i just dont have a man.

i dont even date. im sure somewhere that’s not so healthy emotionally for me. but i think it’s in my best interest to get myself to where i want to be in life on my own.

the fathers of my children are very much alike. LOSERS. addicts. multiple “baby mamas” and erased from my life.

it’s almost like they only exist to me through the child we made.  my first i never get to see but im slowly growing more and more okay with that. amari is my life.  i probably love her a little harder because i gave up my first.  not that i dont love him it’s just hard to love someone who isnt there.

it’s almost like losing a child would have been.  i had to place thoughts of him elsewhere to keep myself from drowning in tears.

i dont see the point in amari knowing who her other half was/is. he brought me a lot of good things but i only received those once i left him.  i learned lessons.

i dont think my daughter needs a man in her life as much as she needs me to be there for her in ways my mom wasnt.  im not saying i plan on never being in a relationship or dating ever again. but i refuse to put anyone or anything before her.

i try not to pass judgement on the younger women i go to school with who still try to live their young lives and be a “mom” at the same time.  i dealt with my youthful situations differently by chosing to not face up to motherhood.  but i didnt drag a baby into the situations either.  i didnt have a son who saw many different men or drug and alcohol fueled life.

as far as ayden’s father goes, i have no idea where or what he is up to. i dont know why i even thought of him today.  we did share something tender for a while. i dont know if it was love or his need for a ride places and someone to cheer him up at the time. when i found out i was pregnant it was ugly. we worked for the same company and he ignored my pregnancy and me. it really was for the best though. had he been still interested in me my life would be living in the projects in louisville, ky.

amari’s father, whew. i dont know if i have any sweet thoughts about him yet.  we shared moments that i felt were more him needing a mother figure in his life. and someone to love him and show him the affection he didnt fee he received as a child.  his constant pursuit of a “family” life, a wife and his kid a year for the last four years record makes me want to stamp a huge FAIL on his forehead. but those are his own issues. i refuse to make them my daughter’s.

yes, children should have access to both parents and she probably will question where and why she doesnt have a daddy in the years to come but i love her enough for three hundred people.

my own father was a disappointment. and to this day he still is.

a liar. a cheat. an addict.

at 18 he tried to come back into my life and promised me the moon. im 28 now and i still dont have the moon. and he still gets hung up on when he tries to contact me.

he lied through his teeth to me that my brother and i were his only children besides my sister who is right around my youngest brother’s age. this fool come to find out has a son that’s about 8 years younger than i am with the woman he left my mom for.

id rather my daughter never know that kind of heartache. that disappointment in her life.  how do i know amari’s father would do both of those? well…amari is nine months old. he wanted to be there for her birth and her to have his last name and he wanted to be there for us both.  that’s the LAST conversation we’ve had.  sure, i told him politely to eat shit and that that would NEVER happen, not even in bizarro world, but why promise shit if you dont back it up with cash or time.

as far as cash goes, i take care of baby before me. going to school and getting a financial aide check is nice. i have the ability to take care of us very well. im not completley an INDEPENDENT woman but i sure as hell dont need a loser ass boyfriend in the mix spending my money. nor do i want her loser ass daddy’s money.  sure i get a tinge pissed when i see pictures of him with diamond grills (btw those are so outta style) and chains and designer clothes but i know it’s not HIS money it’s some stupid girl’s. still if you can get a bitch to buy for you and you dont think of the seeds you spread you’re a sucka ass punk bitch.  diapers cost a lot less than chains and jordans.  baby clothing is 4 bux a piece at target.  formula for a month is about the same as a new pair of shoes.

and i dont WANT it from him. but i cant sell amari a fairy tale that he loves her and wants to be in her life when he aint shit.  im sorry. it might hurt her in the beginning but in the end she wont let fairy tales ruin her like they did me.

 

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