Sometimes I lay next to my napping child and my mind just wanders. I take trips back in time. It’s funny how I faced certain situations scared out of my mind and not showing it. Or maybe I did.
I sometimes feel the anxiety and pain that used to rise up and leave my throat tied in a knot, my head racing towards something but not sure what that something was supposed to be. I quietly screamed, not quietly more like silently.
I lost so much in a matter of time, my choices lined up in an intricate pattern of dominoes all took one easy push to clink clank zip down the line.
I was kicked out of rehab, evicted from an apartment, interested in tricking, living in a place I didn’t want to be, in a relationship that was rooted in hate and anger towards someone, kicked out on the street, running drugs and weapons, visiting county, running bad checks for money, being told I was worth nothing, threatened, humiliated, degraded, staying high…
I don’t think anyone truly will ever realize who I was then and who I am now. There’s two different people. I killed that person so I could live.
And as my sleeping baby stirs, the homocide I commited by killing the beast that I let control me really has let me control me.
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Im so proud of you, though!