constant forgiveness

i dont know what it would take for me to fully trust someone.

i think that part of me is broken.

unfortunately, it leads to a cyclical pattern that we are stuck in.

we argue over what you say is nothing but deep down it’s my fear that im not good enough.  or it’s my inability to let go of past mistakes and lies and deceit.

i bring up old shit because it hurts still.  i allow myself to cling to everything negative and not see the positive.

you say you feel like you constantly have to forgive me and that youre tired of it.  well, i still havent forgiven you for the past… and i feel you havent gotten past the past either.

you forgive me for blowing up, for saying the/my truth, for hurting.

you wont tell me what you are really feeling because you think it will land me in the hospital, which i can understand but YOU are not the main reason I wind up in the hospital.

 

we arent a couple…

eventually i’ll grow tired of this. I mean it’s been almost three years of being told we arent a couple.

let another man pay any attention to me though.  you come unglued.

my heart feels like it’s ripped out of my chest and ground out in the dirt like a cigarette everytime it’s said.  i just sit there quietly, inside im gasping for air.

i should know by now that we arent a couple.

yet…

there’s tenderness in the way you hold me.  in the way your breath feels against my neck as we snuggle into sleep.  there’s comfort in the way you hold me.  there’s something there when we open up to each other.  you are the one i want to see smile.

maybe im just living in a fantasy.  ive allowed all of the ways youve been there and things youve done for me to put you in the boyfriend category.

there’s times im sure if i were more successful in life, you’d be quick to claim me as yours.  love doesnt pay your bills…that’s what youve said to me right?

patience and staying focused are two of my biggest downfalls.  not seeing the bigger picture is another.  is the bigger picture of this whole situation with us that im playing myself.

you know im in love with you.  is it that neither one of us is ready to own up to the fact that we are just playing a game with the other?

what is it that we are? fuck buddies with the restriction to not see others? how can i spill my guts to you one minute and the next i cant even open my mouth to say how angry i am.

when will i realize that loving you isnt loving me?

 

 

 

in your opaqueness, i feel it’s fakeness.

longing for clarity, heart left in desparity.

moments of bliss, you planting love’s kiss.

next second it’s all remiss.

pushed out to sea

adrift solo on a foggy night

far away as one can be

cold rumbles, that chill

waves of sadness tumble me,

and here i sit lost in the feels.

eventually your light beckons me back

my heart’s vessel sets it’s track

full sail ahead no slack.

please, please, please…

just love me when your mood returns to black.

 

 

 

 

6/17/08

i wish that opening up was as easy as staying silent.  that facing my problems was as simple as closing my eyes and wishing they would go away.  that the broken pieces of me could just be glued back together. that every no or not right now isnt a complete rejection. i hear the words and feel the sincerity.  feel that im being told the truth that im the only one. theres so many moments that i crave to be touched affectionately, my hand reached for, a kiss on the forehead but i feel more pushed away.  maybe that would help with my ability to open up.  im always so afraid to speak the wrong words.  afraid theyll walk away forever.  ill express my love and get no response.  i realize that words arent the same as actions.

I can feel the rage build inside of me.  It tells me things.

This time it told me to swallow the pills.  That everything would be quiet if I would just swallow all the pills I could.

The pills buzzed in my palm.  I just kept throwing them back.  Mixing them up.

I dont know if I actually wanted to die or just have some silence.

I was 5150’d for the third time in two years.  This being the only time I’d had more than just suicidal ideations.  Everyone wants to know what leads to me being suicidal.  It’s not just that argument.  It’s not just him.  It’s not just her.  It’s not just one thing.

It’s a mixture of my own selfishness, addiction, untreated and ignored traumas that i just bottle up and hide away.

That morning started bad.  I woke up with a migraine and had called into work.  It spiraled out of control by noon.  I sat on my front porch chain smoking.  My headache nowhere near subsiding.

I took texts and conversations out of context and turned them into “im not shit, i wont ever be successful and im better off with you not in my life.”

I’d been having a harder time than I let onto anyone processing being alone and away from my family and daughter during the holidays.

I’ve been beating myself up senselessly over a possible situation with my daughter.  I was supposed to protect her and didnt.

My roommate told me that he’s rarely ever seen someone be angry and calm at the same time.  Well, that’s me.  I’m tea-kettling inside and not letting any of the steam off.

That’s when the pills spoke to me.  Sounds so stupid.  I took some and then I took more.  I knew it was bad.  I mixed downers.  I’m not sure why but I posted in a group that is and has been very supportive of me for the last two years what I had done.  One of the women in it immediately reached out to me and told me to take my ass to the hospital or she was going to call 911 on me.  She reached out to the person I’d been in an argument with.  Who called my roommate, my mom and everyone they could think of.

I spent 24 hours in the ER under watch by security guards with an iv pumping through me.  Apparently I didnt take too much of the meds I had and didnt need a stomach pumping.  I was transferred to a mental hospital where I spent 5 days.

I wanted to be transferred to a rehab facility but they could not find one that would work with my financial situation.

I did decide to give drinking a time out.  As of today I’ve gone 26 days without drinking.  I don’t know if I’ll end up not drinking again but for now this seems like the most positive thing I can do for myself.

 

each moment i spend in your presence feels like i should be shouldering the sun to allow the beauty to shine upon me longer.

 

I held you as tight as i could tonight.  I buried my face into your chest.  I confessed over and over how much i love you.

How upset i was that someone we barely know told me they dont understand why I’m with you.

What all of the “theys” don’t know is that you are the one that quiets the incredible storms in me.  That you have made sure i am okay.  When it would be easy to throw up your hands and deem it all too much you reason with me, bring everything to the center and have us both work towards a solution.

You’ve asked recently if i feel that you hold me back.

With out you, I may have been lost.

 

Im not easy to love.

I’m incredibly needy.  I’m quick to anger.  I cry for no reason.  I don’t always know how to express what I am feeling and expect the other person to just get it.  I am jealous.  I overthink everything.  I will jump to conclusions that are ridiculous.  I assume the worst.  I want everything how I want it.  I am impatient.  I am quick to push someone away when I am angry or sad.

The entire weekend everything was to make me happy,  I sabotaged greatness by once again getting too drunk and not thinking about his needs.  I was selfish and couldn’t follow through with what I had promised.  Then proceeded to act like a child and stomp and slam doors.  Crying into my pillows because he chose to sleep on the couch.  I woke up to him next to me.  I didn’t realize he had gotten up and come to lay with me.  I thought I was just dreaming.  I fell back asleep and he woke me up sweetly and I lashed out.  There was no reason for me to call him an asshole.  I had been the asshole.  I was the one that was in the wrong.

I’m so angry with myself for how I act.

Here’s to over a year without you.  Here’s to just under a month that a 20 minute trip in traffic doesn’t end with a hug from you.

I wanted to hug you goodbye.  Instead i wrote you an email.  How 2017.

I find myself looking at pictures of you. Longing for the moments i wanted to rush through.

I stay mostly to myself.  Keeping up with anyone who doesn’t know is just too exhausting.  I’m ashamed.

I’ve been blessed with one person who brings sunshine to my days.  I am afraid everyday that will go away too.

I’m struggling to make sense of everything.  I struggle knowing that I allowed our lives to be here.

Your grandma has blocked my phone number.  I know better than to reach out to her for help.  I know better than to express any kind of weakness to her.  I hope she shows you nothing but love.  I worry for you every day.

 

 

Anxiety

There are moments when breathing feels like too much.  I’ve woken from sleep, scared to even move.  I’ve sat down and just cried.  Quiet moments to myself are the hardest.  Being around people i know it’s harder.

I want to wake up and it all be a dream. Well, a nightmare.

Raw

I look back at the last five and a half years and all i can see is the mist in my eyes.  I feel the overwhelming clench of the vise grip on my heart.

 

Don’t get me wrong. I have had incredible moments during this time.  I’ve experienced success.  I watched my daughter grow into her own self. I’ve felt the love of amazing friends.  I thought I’d made my family happy at one point.  I wore an off white dress and thought I’d found someone who would be down like i can.

After 2012, i started seeing someone.  It happened by chance.  That’s my life.  By chance.  I decided the long distance on the road all the time thing i had with someone i knew was not working.  I needed attention.  I needed now.  Waiting and patience has never been my strong point.  In this relationship I learned a lot.  My beliefs that I was only allowed happiness by submission.  That i was there to serve.  That my bank account could get fat as fuck with budgeting.  That i could be comfortable financally.  That being pinned against the wall by my neck and not making noises because i did not want to wake my napping daughter and punched in the stomach because i was a disrespectful bitch was how i might live.  How rape happens when you sleep in the same bed.  How low and disgusting you feel How scared someone looked when youve had enough and chase them with a knife…

How hard depression hits

How much your friends can love you.  How you are an inconvenience to your family. How they don’t understand that you screaming is pain.  Years and years and years of pain.

I try so hard not to blame my actions on mental illness, i swear though I’d never had married if i was not manic.

 

Id have run.  Had i been in a ” normal” or down I’d have never.  I spent 13 months with someone who i believe saw me as a come up.  He was amazing at the get.  Hell my judgemental ass parents loved him.  I married too quick.  Years of saying I’d never get married, I’d never take a  different last name.  Somehow, i felt i had to settle down.  My daughter needed someone to be a male influence.  I’d been passed the point of needing anyone but who i was with.  I allowed myself to not see everything.

The week after our wedding, or maybe the night before  i dropped from manic to reality.

I can remember the exact moment.  I woke up.

I cried so much the night before my wedding.  I’d asked what was bothering him and he said his son’s mom was upset.  I read the text messages.  In them i was every kind of bitch and hoe. Not once did he defend me.  Thinking back not once was i ever actually introduced to her. When their son came around he was treated like a prince.  My daughter told me that she felt like she was nothing when his son came around.  The ex husband would tell her to shush when she would gush that she was so happy to have a brother.  That their dad was so cool.  That she and his son were not like really brother and sister but she was happy to have a brother now.  My daughter wants love.

 

No matter all the love ì have given her she wants more.

 

A week after we had bee married My daughter had snuck into bed ( she spent most of her life curled up to me) and my husband was pacing back and forth fuming.  I got her ready for school.  Took her and braced myself for the fury i had felt in his eyes.

My child was babied.  I was too moody.  I embarrassed him at our wedding.  I’d fucked everyone at our wedding.  I was a judgemental bitch when it came to hanging out and taking my daughter to most of his white trash friends houses who regularly dropped the n bomb and i called them on it.  I kept in touch with too many people from my past i was his now.  He wished he’d never married me and was looking for a way to annul it.  At the time we lived in a huge house with another family.  They over heard everything.  Always.

 

 

These were his people.

 

Two hours later, i was everything to him.  He never meant to throw a lighter at my face.  He was just upset because of a fight with his son’s mom.

 

I am sick of thinking that i sunk so fucking deep once again.  That I’m so incredibly stupid to think that anyone actually loves me.

 

I ended up losing everything.

Every. Fucking. Thing.

 

Why? Because loyalty.  Because a white gold band on my finger meant that I’d signed up for whatever this man threw at me.

 

Tell me I’m not a woman because i decided to get my tubes tied and can’t produce more children.

 

Decide that i make enough money working two jobs that you can blame your inability to hold a job on your injuries from football. (Blood please, i played way more in sports than you and been on my feet way more… Id said that… Once)

The day he knocked me out and left a mark on me so bad i had to hide and call into work the next day… I should have been done.

 

Why the fuck did i confuse loyalty with any of this.

 

Nothing ever got better.  I waited for the next time.  I waited.  I watched everything crumble.

 

I fucking allowed it.

Why? I told myself that being loyal was my part.  I’d maybe made  mistake but god knows i probably wasn’t worth anything more than where i was.  No one had really love me ( they had)

We left Oregon.  Moved to a terrible situation.  Every night i was told i wasn’t shit. That if i said one more smart ass thing he’d knock me out like he had done before.  All while i thought my child was asleep.  Where  thought she heard nothing.

When I  decided

I had had enough, when his mother pulled me aside and told me to leave for the sake of my child.  That her son was never going to match the possibility that i had.

I left.

I left with empty promises.  I left knowing deep in me that I’d never see this man again.  I left knowing that i failed so incredibly.  That my choices had led me to nothing. I’d moved everything i owned and locked it up in a storage unit.  I took what fit in my car and drove back to where  had told myself I’d never return.

Upon my arrival, i was greeted with open and loving arms.  My family promised that my child and i were safe.  I had time to figure out my life.  I believed that.

 

Unfortunately, I’ve been dismissed from my family for almost a year.  I didn’t conform to who my mother thought i should be. I found out about child support arrears when  filed joint tax returns. I found out about  child that wasn’t his but he’d been paying on for 10 years.  I did not love my child the way my mom thought  i should.  I didn’t move fast enough to get on with my life.  The ex drained the bank account. I was stupid for that.

 

I confided in her after I’d shared it with one other person that he was abusive.

 

I worked a job that sucked but i was home for my daughter all but two nights til 8pm and Saturday afternoons.  I maybe went out one or two nights  week AFTER she was asleep.

 

I was always home to take her to school.  I yelled too much.  I slept too much. I was too much.

I had an opportunity to make extra money trimming weed.  It was family friendly and safe.  I took that and at that point i was the worst parent in the world.

The minute after I’d followed a suggestion to find after school care for her and got it ( it took 80% of what  made) i was told that after school care made me lazy and  should cancel it.  WHAT? The days  was off i picked her up from school.  The days  my mother was responsible for picking her up she napped until she had to get her at 6pm.  I saw the time sheets.  Putting her in child care was supposed to set me up to get  great job.

 

And i did.  I landed  full time position.

 

Within two and  half weeks i was forced to leave.

 

I walked away with three totes of clothes and bedding. By this time my ex had stopped paying storage and I’d lost everything.

I left at 10am after having 4 days to find  place to live.  My mother had already been planning my departure i didn’t know of course and had enrolled my daughter in  private school.  Basically knew that  had no other option financially but to allow her to stay with my parents.

All i remember was i never explained why i jus left. The night before i hugged her till she fell asleep.  She told me she would be happy no matter how broke we were.  I couldn’t allow her to struggle with me.  I couldn’t explain Why i couldn’t protect her anymore.  Why her being comfortable was more important than being with me.

 

I didn’t see her for a month and  half.

 

Then  saw her for 45 minutes

 

I was invited to thanksgiving the week after.  My  child cried when she had to leave.  Ibarely held on.  I cried the entire trip home.

 

Shortly after i thought  ending everything was best. I sat with  bottle of pills.  Had  i swallowed them I’d be gone. Instead i reached out.  Yay, I’m still alive.

 

Mental Healthcare sucks.

 

Breaking your ankle sucks.

 

Being fired sucks.

Realizing you signed over your rights under lies sucks.

 

Knowing deep drown that you ain’t Shit and your child will wave at you goodbye and you wont see her for months… I don’t know.

What’s the point of me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or