Here’s to over a year without you.  Here’s to just under a month that a 20 minute trip in traffic doesn’t end with a hug from you.

I wanted to hug you goodbye.  Instead i wrote you an email.  How 2017.

I find myself looking at pictures of you. Longing for the moments i wanted to rush through.

I stay mostly to myself.  Keeping up with anyone who doesn’t know is just too exhausting.  I’m ashamed.

I’ve been blessed with one person who brings sunshine to my days.  I am afraid everyday that will go away too.

I’m struggling to make sense of everything.  I struggle knowing that I allowed our lives to be here.

Your grandma has blocked my phone number.  I know better than to reach out to her for help.  I know better than to express any kind of weakness to her.  I hope she shows you nothing but love.  I worry for you every day.

 

 

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Anxiety

There are moments when breathing feels like too much.  I’ve woken from sleep, scared to even move.  I’ve sat down and just cried.  Quiet moments to myself are the hardest.  Being around people i know it’s harder.

I want to wake up and it all be a dream. Well, a nightmare.

Raw

I look back at the last five and a half years and all i can see is the mist in my eyes.  I feel the overwhelming clench of the vise grip on my heart.

 

Don’t get me wrong. I have had incredible moments during this time.  I’ve experienced success.  I watched my daughter grow into her own self. I’ve felt the love of amazing friends.  I thought I’d made my family happy at one point.  I wore an off white dress and thought I’d found someone who would be down like i can.

After 2012, i started seeing someone.  It happened by chance.  That’s my life.  By chance.  I decided the long distance on the road all the time thing i had with someone i knew was not working.  I needed attention.  I needed now.  Waiting and patience has never been my strong point.  In this relationship I learned a lot.  My beliefs that I was only allowed happiness by submission.  That i was there to serve.  That my bank account could get fat as fuck with budgeting.  That i could be comfortable financally.  That being pinned against the wall by my neck and not making noises because i did not want to wake my napping daughter and punched in the stomach because i was a disrespectful bitch was how i might live.  How rape happens when you sleep in the same bed.  How low and disgusting you feel How scared someone looked when youve had enough and chase them with a knife…

How hard depression hits

How much your friends can love you.  How you are an inconvenience to your family. How they don’t understand that you screaming is pain.  Years and years and years of pain.

I try so hard not to blame my actions on mental illness, i swear though I’d never had married if i was not manic.

 

Id have run.  Had i been in a ” normal” or down I’d have never.  I spent 13 months with someone who i believe saw me as a come up.  He was amazing at the get.  Hell my judgemental ass parents loved him.  I married too quick.  Years of saying I’d never get married, I’d never take a  different last name.  Somehow, i felt i had to settle down.  My daughter needed someone to be a male influence.  I’d been passed the point of needing anyone but who i was with.  I allowed myself to not see everything.

The week after our wedding, or maybe the night before  i dropped from manic to reality.

I can remember the exact moment.  I woke up.

I cried so much the night before my wedding.  I’d asked what was bothering him and he said his son’s mom was upset.  I read the text messages.  In them i was every kind of bitch and hoe. Not once did he defend me.  Thinking back not once was i ever actually introduced to her. When their son came around he was treated like a prince.  My daughter told me that she felt like she was nothing when his son came around.  The ex husband would tell her to shush when she would gush that she was so happy to have a brother.  That their dad was so cool.  That she and his son were not like really brother and sister but she was happy to have a brother now.  My daughter wants love.

 

No matter all the love ì have given her she wants more.

 

A week after we had bee married My daughter had snuck into bed ( she spent most of her life curled up to me) and my husband was pacing back and forth fuming.  I got her ready for school.  Took her and braced myself for the fury i had felt in his eyes.

My child was babied.  I was too moody.  I embarrassed him at our wedding.  I’d fucked everyone at our wedding.  I was a judgemental bitch when it came to hanging out and taking my daughter to most of his white trash friends houses who regularly dropped the n bomb and i called them on it.  I kept in touch with too many people from my past i was his now.  He wished he’d never married me and was looking for a way to annul it.  At the time we lived in a huge house with another family.  They over heard everything.  Always.

 

 

These were his people.

 

Two hours later, i was everything to him.  He never meant to throw a lighter at my face.  He was just upset because of a fight with his son’s mom.

 

I am sick of thinking that i sunk so fucking deep once again.  That I’m so incredibly stupid to think that anyone actually loves me.

 

I ended up losing everything.

Every. Fucking. Thing.

 

Why? Because loyalty.  Because a white gold band on my finger meant that I’d signed up for whatever this man threw at me.

 

Tell me I’m not a woman because i decided to get my tubes tied and can’t produce more children.

 

Decide that i make enough money working two jobs that you can blame your inability to hold a job on your injuries from football. (Blood please, i played way more in sports than you and been on my feet way more… Id said that… Once)

The day he knocked me out and left a mark on me so bad i had to hide and call into work the next day… I should have been done.

 

Why the fuck did i confuse loyalty with any of this.

 

Nothing ever got better.  I waited for the next time.  I waited.  I watched everything crumble.

 

I fucking allowed it.

Why? I told myself that being loyal was my part.  I’d maybe made  mistake but god knows i probably wasn’t worth anything more than where i was.  No one had really love me ( they had)

We left Oregon.  Moved to a terrible situation.  Every night i was told i wasn’t shit. That if i said one more smart ass thing he’d knock me out like he had done before.  All while i thought my child was asleep.  Where  thought she heard nothing.

When I  decided

I had had enough, when his mother pulled me aside and told me to leave for the sake of my child.  That her son was never going to match the possibility that i had.

I left.

I left with empty promises.  I left knowing deep in me that I’d never see this man again.  I left knowing that i failed so incredibly.  That my choices had led me to nothing. I’d moved everything i owned and locked it up in a storage unit.  I took what fit in my car and drove back to where  had told myself I’d never return.

Upon my arrival, i was greeted with open and loving arms.  My family promised that my child and i were safe.  I had time to figure out my life.  I believed that.

 

Unfortunately, I’ve been dismissed from my family for almost a year.  I didn’t conform to who my mother thought i should be. I found out about child support arrears when  filed joint tax returns. I found out about  child that wasn’t his but he’d been paying on for 10 years.  I did not love my child the way my mom thought  i should.  I didn’t move fast enough to get on with my life.  The ex drained the bank account. I was stupid for that.

 

I confided in her after I’d shared it with one other person that he was abusive.

 

I worked a job that sucked but i was home for my daughter all but two nights til 8pm and Saturday afternoons.  I maybe went out one or two nights  week AFTER she was asleep.

 

I was always home to take her to school.  I yelled too much.  I slept too much. I was too much.

I had an opportunity to make extra money trimming weed.  It was family friendly and safe.  I took that and at that point i was the worst parent in the world.

The minute after I’d followed a suggestion to find after school care for her and got it ( it took 80% of what  made) i was told that after school care made me lazy and  should cancel it.  WHAT? The days  was off i picked her up from school.  The days  my mother was responsible for picking her up she napped until she had to get her at 6pm.  I saw the time sheets.  Putting her in child care was supposed to set me up to get  great job.

 

And i did.  I landed  full time position.

 

Within two and  half weeks i was forced to leave.

 

I walked away with three totes of clothes and bedding. By this time my ex had stopped paying storage and I’d lost everything.

I left at 10am after having 4 days to find  place to live.  My mother had already been planning my departure i didn’t know of course and had enrolled my daughter in  private school.  Basically knew that  had no other option financially but to allow her to stay with my parents.

All i remember was i never explained why i jus left. The night before i hugged her till she fell asleep.  She told me she would be happy no matter how broke we were.  I couldn’t allow her to struggle with me.  I couldn’t explain Why i couldn’t protect her anymore.  Why her being comfortable was more important than being with me.

 

I didn’t see her for a month and  half.

 

Then  saw her for 45 minutes

 

I was invited to thanksgiving the week after.  My  child cried when she had to leave.  Ibarely held on.  I cried the entire trip home.

 

Shortly after i thought  ending everything was best. I sat with  bottle of pills.  Had  i swallowed them I’d be gone. Instead i reached out.  Yay, I’m still alive.

 

Mental Healthcare sucks.

 

Breaking your ankle sucks.

 

Being fired sucks.

Realizing you signed over your rights under lies sucks.

 

Knowing deep drown that you ain’t Shit and your child will wave at you goodbye and you wont see her for months… I don’t know.

What’s the point of me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or

 

 

 

 

 

 i would think…

 

i would think my recently upped dosage of anti-depressants would have kicked in by now, but no, they havent.  im beginning to think my mom’s suggestion of seeking a valium prescription was not just in jest.

i am incredibly sad tonight and really i shouldnt be.  i should have recognized the situation i allowed to manifest.  who was i kidding when i thought there was an actual future to it?  only myself.

the easiest way for me to get over this is to just pretend it never happened.  pretend that someone didnt care to hear how my day was going to go, how it went and to say good night.  

even if that’s all it was.  i LET myself think it could be more.  how silly am i? 

like someone is going to change their entire life to be with me?  doubtful.  

i think more than anything that im mad at myself for thinking there was some unspoken agreement that he was going to be my boyfriend.

 

often i will think on an experience for quite a few days and then i watch or read a story line that sums up everything succinctly.

serendipitous, yes.

stumbling upon something that perfectly describes or portrays a mish mash of my feelings so easily, so plainly.

my love life has  felt so secret. but not always.

to love and feel and experience my whatevers freely, just stopped happening years ago.

im not sure where it went from holding hands in public to meeting up stealthily.

the past few days ive been flooded with scenarios playing over and over in my head.

one of the major ones that plays over and over is:

kisses and falling asleep with the receivers pressed to our ears for weeks and then him cheek to cheek slow dancing barely giving me a second look at a party he should have taken me to and then calling me the next morning like nothing was amiss.

i can still feel the sharp knife like frustration in my gut.  the incredible amount i drank to keep a smile on my face.  the ridiculous hangover the next morning. and the embarrassment of  me acting like i was okay with everything when i wasnt.

it seems to be the norm for quite a few of my relationships during my mid to late 20s.  secret.

even to this day.

if i wasnt so removed from the rest of the world, tucked away in the middle of nowhere.  it wouldnt be.

 

maybe this says something about the kind of woman i am.

or better yet the kind of woman i allow others to treat me as.

i have always envied those who publicly proclaim their lust/love for each other.

being left with sweet nothings in the dark and nothing in the light plays itself out over and over.

 

 

is there a moment when you realize you may just be falling into something more than just like?

seeing the sunshine hit his face and light up his profile as i picked him up made a piece of my hardness melt.

hearing him tell my daughter that he infact liked her too when she said “I like you!”

fixing the drain in my bathtub nonchalantly.

snuggling and an arm around me while watching corny action movies, rubbing my back gently.

holding my hand.

clearing his plate and rinsing it before i had the chance to grab it from him.

cuddling me.  holding me in his arms.

the way he takes control without being rough.

how his hands touch me, run through my hair, how his forcefulness is still gentle.

conversation is easy and laughter is quick

 

when it’s time for him to go, i just want to hold him for a little while longer…

to blurt out all these half formed thoughts i have running through my head.

how i wish it was easier and how he crosses my mind and i smile.

how happy his visits make me.

how much he means to me.  but it just seems so silly to say to someone after only being in their life for almost four months.

so i dont.

i speak in maybe we will see each other quicker.

next time we can…

kissing him goodbye til next time

i hope he sees how i feel.

chapters

i know that everyone has their own hidden stories and secrets they keep locked up in them.  shared only by those that were involved in that time and place.

when i started this blog, i had meant it to be a way for me to get all those stories out.  to release all of the bad (and some good) energies, thoughts, etc that i had been carrying for 26 years.

less than a week later, i found out i was pregnant and well, my focus shifted.

today, while driving around running errands, i let a lot of memories come back and play in my head.  good memories, not really but memories that i can look at in a different perspective than i could have even 4 years ago and definitely a more distant viewpoint that doesnt carry quite so much pain with them.

i think i am ready to begin.

my chapters wont play out in chronological order, maybe someday, but for now i will let them come as they do and replay them.

enjoy.