the last time i laid next to a man on christmas eve and fell asleep with the intentions of waking up together on Christmas morning, i was 18.
i am now 30.
i laid in my tub today, almost two weeks after i tried to hide my teary incident from him, and tried to put together the things that made me cry. because crying isnt a normal thing for me. once or twice a year yes, but laying in bed next to someone, no.
ive pieced together some of what i was feeling:
my friend has been married with children, i have been alone with a child. i do not know what it is like to be active in a child’s life and have that taken from me. i was feeling sadness for his loss, especially because i knew it was eating at him.
my brother had his daughter for the first christmas he has ever spent with her, and she is almost 5. my brother is a good father, he has never batted an eye at being financially there for his daughter.
my friend met all of my family for the first time. no man has given that much of a damn in EVER.
matter of fact, no man has ever willingly gone out of his way to visit me at any time of the year, ESPECIALLY a major holiday.
and then i knew he had to leave Christmas morning and it would be a while before I would see him again.
maybe, im just too attached. he cant possibly be that interested in me.
my daughter screaming for me when i left her at my grandma’s house. serious waterworks and all.
a little too much to drink, not enough sleep the night before.
all this circling around in my head and me not making any sense of it.
he wakes up and asks whats wrong and why i am crying. all i can say is “i dont know”
i KNOW this makes me sound like im a blubbering idiot. but I cant explain everything Im feeling without crying EVEN more.
step forward almost two weeks in my bath today…
I have never had a “real” adult “relationship/interaction” with a man.
I have never been married, nor do I see it anytime in my future and I wonder if some part of me is defective or broken. I see the updates on facebook of people i graduated from school with that go from single to in a relationship to engaged to married. i am sometimes silently jealous.
It seems like I must have pissed off the fate gods because my romance/love/relationship ticker has always read “he only comes over when he wants some ass.”
But really, I did it to myself. I sabotaged any chance of receiving more than easy and casual relationships by carrying myself that way. by only interacting with men who wanted ease.
until now. and maybe im wrong. maybe i am just easy. im nothing more than right now. a few months into something i dont expect declarations of love and lifelong plans because if that was happening i would RUN full speed in the opposite direction.
so yes, i cried. my distraught appearance was really just absolute confusion of conflicting happy and sad emotions duking it out in my brain.